Our friends have anxiety

A man I loved once loved me but
lost touch with reality and couldn’t love me anymore.

He was in my dream last night. We sat on a train and I felt so happy but
my hand was wrapped up tightly in a piece of string.

It dug into my skin. It hurt. It was hindering my abilities.

He took the string between his pointer finger and thumb
carefully unwinding around and around until
finally
the terrorist thread

let go

leaving behind

just a pink memory
a blameless indentation.

It took a long time to unravel but
we were still there
sitting on the train.

He held my hand.

Snow / Ice / Water

All the women I love
are fixing guitar strings
or sitting quietly to paint the day with delicate caution.

One day in August
the women I love start to fade.
Melting like those glaciers
they sink beneath water to retreat a world growing hot.
I say, wait! 
But their hair is already drifting dark patterns on the waves.

Some reasoned
they were too sensitive.
We are animals, really. This is survival of the fittest.

But if a country cannot take care of the gentle
if it relies only on strength...
Well, we are back to where we started
but with fewer souls singing us home towards peace.

 

Women Who Travel Alone

Learning how to be alone and comfortable.
At night. On the weekends.
Eating solo when everyone else is with a friend or with family.

These things are not easy.

I look at old men alone, having a beer and I try to mirror their confidence.
But real confidence comes from seeing other women traveling alone,
eating alone, sitting at a café,
looking inward or outward.

I’m reminded that I chose this path for a reason.

A woman alone is often thinking and feeling (and crying?) 
She has time to know herself
to know what she wants
what is helping her,
what is hurting her.

She has time to love and to lose and to love and to lose.
She will learn what to pursue and what to avoid.

A woman traveling alone will breathe in the space.
She will walk with the people and drink their wine.
There will be friends and men and ideas.
There will be euphoria and love.
There will be persistent loneliness, an ache.

There will be striking beauty
which, 
only seems to amplify this loneliness.

There will be hangovers.
There will be all day spent in a bed that is not her own
but in which she must
take care of herself.

And the creeping questions
she will ask in dark places; 
what is she doing here?
Why did she come here?
And the doubt; 
this is crazy,
she is crazy,
she is a crazy woman. 

But there will be the day that follows. 

She will get up
and the sun is out
She greets the city as her home. 

 

Crying again in Las Palmas

In Las Palmas the airport looks over the sea. I feel full of Chinese food and oxytocin. Everyone at the airport looks great. Drinking matcha at the Starbucks and thinking about the faces of my friends. Of the digital nomads on the roof. Of entrepreneurs. Of spreadsheets. Of his face at night. And then I cry because I will miss this life. And then I cry because I feel lucky to know Las Palmas, to know freedom and business strategy and international friendship. Currently I have a friend named Lara, a friend named Laura, AND a friend named Lauren. They are all so cool. This is a cake life! It is so rich!

The plane takes off. I am in the middle seat in the middle aisle. The man next to me reads Harry Potter. I cry again and feel fine about it.

Casa Suecia

Dehydrated and depressed.

If these things are related by cause and effect
then water should fix this
in the way that water fixes everything.

Two days ago I was a model.
One day ago I was delirious.
Last night I was in heaven.
Today I feel fat.

At this moment
in a café I'm surrounded
by a gathering of nicely dressed abuelas.
I wonder
Have they felt these things? Are they happy now?

They do not look dehydrated.
nor do they look depressed.

Likely because they have family and routine and compromise.

The abulelas do not
make themselves suffer.

The abuelas remember
to drink water.

27 and sometimes concerned about capitalism

Otherwise thinking about love or food or myself.

I met an Italian girl in Las Palmas and we were both confused about Spanish men. We drank cappuccinos every day at La Olive and talked, frustrated about these bastardos who stopped texting us back.

The week passed.

Each day we grew increasingly frustrated and increasingly caffeinated until our hearts, they were going to explode!

Lovesick. 

We clung to each other's situation over foamy milk and espresso.
We generously offered the advice that we should have been taking ourselves. 

Believe me, we are smart and beautiful girls and this heartache will fade.
But the warmth of our friendship maintains, sparkling, like a cupcake or a birthday party.

Still unsure about Capitalism.

Cats and bowls

When a cat is moved to a new place It will hide for a week. Maybe under a porch. Afterwards it will come out and fight with the other cats.

For the first week in Budapest I hated Budapest and nested in a loft with fading love and Nutella. After 7 days I left the loft and was friendly with people and accidentally broke a huge glass bowl.

//

Later in the night, Balint talked about his nightmare; a bowl rolling down smooth tiles, making an awful sound.

Valentine’s Day 2017 / Spanish Moss At Night

Driving though rural Florida and lost. Just driving South with no signal, looking for a road West. And I find one called Eucalyptus… A tiny path but it’s paved. It is like a sidewalk.

Now, driving down a sidewalk called Eucalyptus into darkness. Smoke from a factory mixes with low settling fog. It is difficult to see more than a few feet in any direction. Twisted bodies of trees push into the periphery and branches curl out of the haze with their Spanish moss hanging all around.

Some landscapes look nightmares if you allow yourself to be afraid. Some paths look treacherous if you fear proceeding with little clarity. I move forward, slowly and with caution, alone. Feeling at peace.

Is it side effects or just me?

On birth control I am curvy, my body is full. Wearing a red bikini, sexy but depressed. Overall, emotions and psyche are not responding favorably to artificial hormones. On the beach in Hua hin I walk heavily with a heart believed to be broken by the graphic designer I met twice and corresponded with on Facebook messenger mostly through emoticons. Walking into the sea I cry a little as the waves of the gulf crash against my thighs. I begin floating on the salt water while quietly sobbing for love. I stand up. I look across the horizon where the other side of Thailand must be. I imagine the men there, smooth and elegant. Then I stop thinking about men and about myself. Once in the Bahamas when I was 19 and went on birth control for the first time, the sun burned my skin to the second degree. As a result of this sun burn I left the hotel room only at night, to float in the pool and stare sadly at the moon.

Swimming back the way I came, out of the water I feel better... With a sense that the common themes in life appearing as obstacles are becoming transparent and manageable. Later, arriving in Bangkok to meet with a friend, we drink a ton of tequila. I begin to fear everyone. I imagine the Russian tourists we befriended are attempting to kidnap us. I run away and fall into the street. My friend helps me and holds onto me. Stumbling towards the hotel we take a short cut through Soi Cowboy, Bangkok's red light party district. I cry silently, tears streaming while looking at the old sexpats with dramatic accusation.

Waking up midday with confusion and a scraped knee, I decide to stop taking yaz, a popular birth control pill made by Bayer

Girls Who Cry at Night

What makes girls cry at night? What makes them love again in the morning? What pulls tears down in streams and puffs their eyes out like grapes? What pulls them out the door just hours later, one foot in front of the other? Right. Left. Breathe. Go. Look. Find. Of what origin is this sadness? Of what origin is this strength? And how do they comprehend limits when they know nothing can destroy them?

If your places disappear

If your places disappear
(The ones that make you feel loved
and warm and calm)
if they are destroyed by a bomb
or insecurity
you have to let them go
BUT YOU CAN FIND REPLACEMENTS!
Restaurants, tea houses, friend's houses
places that let you breathe
places that surround you with peace
surround you with lovers
surround you with friends
And if you find you have no one
before your chest tightens, remember
you are never alone
I feel what
you are feeling
We are all lost
trapped on a clumsy earth
free to an extent
and beautiful.

Lavender buds in hot milk

Lavender buds in hot milk.

I heat this on a stovetop in South Florida,

feeling OK and also lost, but mostly curious.

Sprinkled on top, the buds float on the milky surface.

Lavender is soothing.

Drinking a cup of hot milk with lavender in a hot bath—Self-soothing.

We do what we can.

A better remedy may lie in confronting collective disconnection, isolation.

Communing with nature, we put our own natures at peace.

In Florida, I long for a soul-friend.

For the scent of lavender in sunshine.

For now I do what I can. There is joy in life, yes.

But sometimes you just need to…

I take baths everyday.

And keep my head above water.

BDSM & America

Hi. My name is J and I’m here today for a double violation received last week while traveling to a job interview in Gahenna.

I am writing a script for traffic court because I am not confident when it comes to figures of authority in the system of justice. My family can talk their way out of speeding tickets with charisma. My charisma is limited to interactions with musicians, poets and teachers. It’s so great but does not save time or money.

Double citations.

  1. Passing on a double line.

  2. Proceeding to speed at a pace of 45mph on Cherrybottom road.

Bullshit citations. Bestowed by an attractive officer by the name of Van. In our unfortunate interaction, I am fake polite and his presense is imposing. I am preoccupied with the difference in power I feel sitting down, having to look up at a man with an imposing attitude.

You need to pay the fine at the address listed by the date listed or you may choose to appear in court. Failure to oblige will result in a warrant for your arrest and I'm sure you don't want that, do you?

I look at Van for an inappropriate amount of time, telepathically communicating rage before saying Thank you and looking away. It's all very passive aggressive and I'm not proud. Neither person left the exchange with feelings of well being.

After receiving both citations I arrive late to a job interview as a candidate to edit BDSM videos for a divorced couple, who are both dominants and we could assume that is why their marriage ultimately did not work out. There’s also probably an element of jealously as the woman has more followers in Columbus Ohio, specifically, men working in retail.

Everyone has a fetish! Says the man holding the interview. Everyone. I have a fetish, you have a fetish and it doesn't even have to be anything too weird. I mean, my fetish is women with nice butts. If there was a place with a lot of women walking around with nice butts, sure! Maybe I would pay some money to be there! 

As the interview progresses I doubt my candidacy to edit videos as I am persuaded to appear a video involving hypnosis. You really would be perfect because you're attractive but I mean you look normal, he concludes enthusiastically. Thank you, I say and I look at him and I look away. Exiting the plush office, I leave feeling confused and intrigued and suspicious of myself thinking it possible to edit BDSM videos Monday-Friday 9-5.

Filing into traffic court the following week, I meet with a loud and swiftly speaking prosecutor wearing a beige suit. I say good morning and he says nothing back.

Hi. My name is J and I’m here today for a double traffic violation received last week while traveling to a job interview in Gahenna.

The exchange was quick and routine. I remember nothing that was said but one charge was graciously dropped. I leave feeling refreshed in some ways but also aware that so much time has been wasted.

I consider the United States system of justice. I consider the local underground scene of domination. 

I drive home slowly despite wanting to go fast