Creepy life purpose

Perhaps momentarily
you lost your purpose
and had to lose it further
until viscerally
attached to elastic
the pull came for you
and the further away
you were walking or
you were running
from your own true
nature it tightens
and it strains
maybe you can feel it
pulling on your neck
or on your back until
SNAP
If you are lucky
this snap zips you back
to center
but what if
the thread snaps
completely and
you wander
further
away
from yourself?

Howling in Qatar

There is a thing that pushes us somewhere

I love this thing
that makes us
meet restriction with our teeth, howling and rolling around wild
until set loose
So that we may continue walking
to this unknown place

Yes we are advancing blindly
but to stop means to become all shadows

You know
the lightness that comes with freedom
the wholeness that comes from love

the butterfly feeling
the violet ecstasy
bleeding
from these beautiful things

Sleeping on the floor

I've been at this Reggae hostel for a long time.

These guys, they are always drinking so much cheap Thai beer and passing out on the floor.

The guy I love is always
drinking
so much cheap Thai beer and
passing out on
the floor.

And. Well.

The floor is a cool pillow. All of the time even if it’s hot outside!
The floor will absorb some heat from your body.
In exchange the floor will
remind you of something stable
consistent
unchanging and rigid and nearly dead.

Love does not remain here long. Sleeping on the floor
you’re on the ground already.

There’s no place
  to
fall.

Sleeping on me would be different because you would be floating.  

My river would carry you to other streams. 
My river would carry you to the sea.
Or throw you into rapids
with violent motion
shaking up habits.

Do you understand what I am saying?

I want to shake up your habits.

Bjork, Bjork's Robot & I

At a Lao café again.
Initially for a Thai visa but
reading about heart break and devotion in an upscale magazine
narrated by Bjork.

She is trustworthy. I want to sit with Bjork and her intensity. 

Congruently we will collaborate on a love diagram in order to approach THESE FEELINGS in a lateral way. A line graph. Inspired by the 23 year old Thai man with nice lips. Our muse. Who nearly took me swimming at a university that looked like Harvard if Harvard looked like that,  I wouldn’t know. The pool was closed. But he could also talk to birds. Bjork would fall in love with him too, I'll bet!

Aloha John, 

I am alone cafe is rather I feel sets tourists outside I mainly because.

^ Bjork’s robot would type that to express these emotions.

Well I don't have any money but I am in touch with myself

Enjoying time with others upon realizing it is all about;
Freedom. Mobility. Fluidity.
I promise to work for these things in
the life I currently have. But I have
many lives
in many places.
How long is this sustainable?
How can I integrate these pieces?

If this is not possible, OK
I will take this double life, triple life
while I still can.

Dirt and beauty

This bar/hostel does not have a door but it DOES have a lot of graffiti and it DOES have a lot of guys sitting around talking about Cambodian politics and then about the monkey which came out of that stripper’s vagina. Damp, it gave a thumbs up sign…the monkey I think, or maybe the stripper too? I don’t ask for clarification I AM JUST TRYING TO BLEND IN WITH THE GUYS!

Trip Advisor lables this as the dirtiest hostel in Bangkok. A man smokes in my face as the bartender talks about the cats. There are so many cats here running around and sometimes they burrow into the couch to give birth. So you’ll have to put up a sign on the couch, right, DO NOT SIT HERE. CATS INSIDE. Haha.

Two people at the bar discuss their rash. Vegans cook something in the communal kitchen. 

I stay here 6 months and that was too much time.
But you cannot get these lessons elsewhere.

Sleeping naked on plastic

Arriving in Bangkok with no money.  At least, not enough to buy sheets for this small apartment.

The waterproof mattress sticks to my skin so I cover it with silk scarfs.
I bundle some clothes into some other clothes for a lumpy pillow.

I am so happy.
Falling asleep naked.
The window looks over the Chao Phraya River as the city moves and I dream of you.

Little comfort is needed when you are 24 with love shimmering.

Dear Mary II

I am feeling weird in Qater. I have Jet Lag. The plane donned a sign advertising the importance of moving the legs or else the feet will swell.
Swell is a hideous word and I moved my legs.

Upon arrival all passengers moved to the transfer station and there was a problem, we were stuck in a line and the men became angry. The temperature rose with their body heat. Fingers were pointed into faces. Security was called several times. This could be normal culture, a more direct style of confrontation over saving face. More likely a conditioned airport response. 

In the Qatar airport some women take the form of black burkas. More than I expected. They are like birds shuffling around, parallel to their husbands dressed in white robes.

Bang Su junction 2

Train delay so sitting with the fattest dogs and fattest pigeons ever seen!
You want to see them? OK, come to this train stop. Bang Su is near Bangkok.

These pigeons are so fat they are like circles.
These dogs are so fat they are like rectangles.

What are these animals eating?

Leftover food at the kiosks, I guess;
Fried rice and pools of water mixed with salty grease.  

A balloon seller struts by with his cellophane bouquet;
Pink, orange, green and full, threatening to pop.

Sexpats in Bangkok

Two men at the hostel today are here visiting, to pay for sex with Thai women. The men are old and white. They have large stomachs and drink a lot of beer. Maybe some of the women will be my age (23) but many of the girls will be much younger.

I consider that for women, sex work has always been an option.

I consider that for some, this is the only option.

Sometimes it is not a choice.

 

 

Dear Mary I

I want to experience moments of ecstasy without actually taking ecstasy.

And where is that golden land of balance between intimacy and solitude? I know the dark pangs you describe. They are sharper than the sharpest thing. I hope the remedy is that love and beauty you describe. When love and beauty and satisfaction become life rather than just a part of it… I think these pangs disappear. Lately and maybe forever I crave being alone. There is stimulation here, in the newness. My mind needs quiet spaces. I dream of still gardens and mango lassis. You are in my heart.

Two buffalo walking in the grass

Sitting on the porch with a bowl of papaya, I observe the water buffalo standing lazily in my neighbor's yard. Two are always tied together. And so they have to cooperate to get anywhere. Sometimes one will try to walk but the other one does not move and it becomes a stand still.

I remember playing a game like this with my sister using a jump rope.

Tied to each other and walking harmoniously until

as a joke

one sister stops in her tracks

jolting the other

and we both laugh.

Learning to speak Thai

My neighbor across the street, Anong, speaks Thai quick and sharp. Her words spill out directly to recipient, pushed out with emphasis so no words are left floating around, no sounds are caught lingering in the spaces between two speakers. She speaks with the determination of someone who will be listened to. And she speaks in a way meant for someone who does not like to listen.

Thus, the words are directed towards me and she looks on, silent with a mix of expectancy and doubt. She does not help me with hints in English though she knows many words in my native tongue. But I am in a small village with no friends. I have not seen my own mother in months. So I love her. So I cross the street carrying gifts; mangos, cakes, bowls of papaya, things that carry the heavy sweetness of my own ache for belonging. And I ring the bell and wait at the gate for her or her husband to let me in. These gifts are given only to her hands, and never to those of her husband, the one who will not listen to her, the one who treats me with so much kindness, as men inevitably do in the beginning.

I have spent so many days in Anong's courtyard with her dog Panda, a spoiled chitzou who only eats bananas. We sit and speak Thai in the mornings with coffee. We sit and speak Thai after I finish teaching at the public highschool. We sit and speak Thai in the evenings, sharing a meal that is too spicy for my stomach. We sit and speak Thai while her husband is away at work or with women.

I don’t learn quick enough, but I learn.

Breaking up

My neighbor watches Thai game shows at 3AM
I lay in bed and stare at the wall

I needed to leave America to know America
To know myself
To look across the world
at patterns

My body floats

Drifting between home and another life
the nervous system becomes desperate

you have to commit to this new ground
before you disappear

I hold myself close
I whisper outloud
like I am my own mother

You came here to tear open
To break down and rebuild

And so here is the breaking

Slowly, now rewire