It has been some time! After the final residency in Rota, Spain, I arrived back in the U.S with a lot of ideas and not a lot of structure haha (but what’s new).
And so I thought; what is this running around as an artist? Is this really for me? How about I get an honest job and make a living within traditional means. How about health insurance! How about a little less risk? 9-5 baby, let’s go! And so I got the honest job. Corporate design. Lunch break. Structure. Commute. I was contracting for a few months, just to get a taste.
And the taste was not bad. A little bland. A little routine. A lot of traffic.
But it wasn’t sending me to my creative edge. I was living at a so/so frequency. This is neither right nor wrong but for me it is never sustainable.
What this confirmed was…I had gotten honesty confused with convention. An honest job is one that is honest (true) to you and your goals. And 🎊Surprise —it may not be traditional! I’ve always known this. But even after art school and Bangkok and 4 years of freelance, I still have doubt. Career mood swings. It’s not easy to live against the current constantly. Society at large approves the straight and narrow and sometimes I just feel like a sneaky degenerate.
The weight of insecurity presses on my chest upon waking some mornings. What if I wreck my bike? What about retirement?
Ultimately these doubts are powerless. As I grow, it becomes easier to find freelance writing and design clients; projects that are so energizing. And even amongst the insecurity I realize that to live in this style of creative fulfillment (and health) is a luxury.
In addition, great love continues to shimmer; Julian compliments my quiet, passionate and oh-so-mercurial nature in ways that are constantly surprising—still! More than a year into the journey, our love dances forward with a mind of its own. And apparently it wants to go to Mexico. I am grateful. I want to buy two Lovebirds. And then two more.
In riding the waves of creativity, life is hardly dull. Among all the highs and the lows, I’m staying in step with my truth and that is honestly, so rewarding.